What I Learned From Jalen Brunson

After 53 long years, the Knicks finally won the NBA championship.

They somehow did not lose hope in several games, despite being down by a large margin early in the game.

Including a historic comeback, the NY basketball team seemed to always surge in the fourth quarter at the end of the game.

As a psychiatrist following along, I found it fascinating that the same two teams could have such wild swings in performance from day to day, moment to moment.

You can see, even reflected in the score, how important psychology is at the highest level of sports.

A surprising answer

When they interviewed Jalen Brunson immediately after the game, he said something that I thought was profound.

He said that every time he gets the ball, he thinks about all the countless hours he spent training and practicing.

Here’s the full quote:

“My confidence comes to my work ethic. Every time I had the ball, all I could think about is all the hours in the summer for every summer I had since I ever could remember making this a reality. So whenever I had the ball, I’m just thinking about just being alone in the gym.”

I found that a little surprising. Yes, hard work and practice are essential to build the skills needed to compete at the highest level. But is that really the thing to think about, rather than strategy or what play you want to run?

It’s really about identity

I think what Brunson was expressing is actually a very deep idea about identity.

The hard work was not just a logistical reality for him to build his skill. He had internalized the diligence and ridiculous self-sacrifice and effort to the point where it had become a large part of who he is as a person.

I think what he meant was that when he steps on the court he channels that part of himself that he built through all those years of dedication.

Those experiences, the countless hours by himself in the gym practicing and training, were not just past experiences. They are very much here in the present as well.

And it was that deep sense of identity as somebody who can work harder, sacrifice more, and push himself to find a way to succeed that allowed him not to lose hope when down by a hopeless amount.

What it means for our children

The lesson for me as a child psychiatrist is that all of our children’s experiences throughout childhood have the potential to be extremely formative.

There’s a reason why sports are so important for children because they naturally lend themselves to these types of lessons.

But it can be with anything.

We want our children to have the experience of working hard, facing adversity, conquering their fears, and building a deep sense of identity as somebody who can handle life.

But think about what Brunson said – he thought about all the hard work. He didn’t think about the fact that he had won a certain number of games, that he has a certain salary as an NBA star, or that he had made it to the pinnacle of success in competitive sports.

Internal traits over external success

Those are all external qualities and accomplishments.

Instead, he focused on the internal traits of diligence and hard work.

As we help our children build their identities around their experience, I think it’s important to focus on these types of internal qualities.

Diligence, responsibility, morality, empathy, dedication to relationships.

Internal traits are not things that we can really compete with others about. We don’t compete over who the best mother or father is. We don’t compete over who is most diligent. Instead, we compete only with ourselves.

If you want to be the smartest or most financially successful lawyer, doctor, or investor, then there will be a never-ending series of competitions. And the problem is, as you become more and more successful, you just find yourself associating with people who are that much more impressive and accomplished. So it becomes harder and harder to distinguish yourself.

The truth is, if somebody is trying to build their self-esteem through external success and validation, that is a losing proposition. Even if it works out, it is often hollow once you finally do get that success. Because when we try to fill an emotional need with something external, it usually doesn’t actually fix the underlying problem, which can actually make things worse.

Not the grades but the effort, not the score but the diligence.

But if we help our children focus on internal traits, not the grades but the effort, not the score but the diligence, then they can build a deep reserve of grit that will serve them long into adulthood.

Just like Jalen Brunson stepping onto the court, when they step out into the world, they will channel a deep sense of resolve, competence, and stick-to-itiveness that will lead to an internal sense of confidence, wellbeing and contentment.

Thanks for reading,